When I was younger, I remember, at some point, being told that Kurt Cobain had killed himself because Nirvana, quote unquote, “had never meant to become what it became”. Nirvana had become too popular, and the fame was too much for drug-addled Kurt Cobain to handle, so he put a shotgun in his mouth and, well… you know. I really did not understand this at the time, and I continued to not understand it, until recently when I was thinking about it and I realized I was at a point that, actually, I do understand it. I know why.
After class today, I went to the university library and sat down to eat some lunch. I have been carrrying around a little notebook with me, where when the mood hits and the timing is just right, I write down little questions that come into my brain. What is an abstract, algebraic way that I might capture the structure of a competitive energy market, and why can governments have debt indefinitely? What do taxes actually do? I am very clueless; I feel that I am asking questions all day long. Most of the time, the questions are not very interesting, or they are mildly absurd; thats okay, they were going into the gutter anyways. But sometimes when I’m flipping through them again, I catch a thought that I still feel curious about, so I go into more detail about it. Today, as I ate my lunch, I flipped through my little book when something caught my eye: why do I get so tired from thinking when it doesn’t even burn calories? how does that even work?
So, naturally, I looked it up. More specifically, I did a little deep dive into the concept of cognitive effort; in short, doing hard stuff with your brain. A while back, I was very curious as to whether thinking burns calories. The inside scoop is that it doesn’t. So why do I - and a lot of other people - seem to feel so tired after thinking a lot? It sounds like a silly question, but I was genuinely curious.
I won’t go into the science of it, but basically; some chemical stuff builds up in some part of the brain that blocks efficient processing of information. It produces the same effect as fatigue, without having to actually burn calories, which kind of sucks, if you ask me.
Anyways, all of this is to say that for someone who is a chronic overthinker and could not imagine another way of being, the default state of overthinking stretches you thin for everything else you want to do in life. The realization for me that cognitive effort is finite and, in fact, not being able to emotionally regulate due to overthinking directly interferes with ones ability to perform executive tasks both cleared up a lot of my actions in childhood and teenhood, as well as kind of bummed me out.
So adulthood has been, for me, a kind of way of reckoning with the fact that I will always be a chronic overthinker, but there are things I can do to make it easier for myself. My most recent one: no instagram. Maybe other people are able to regulate that sort of thing, I can’t. Its going to bring me ragebaiting, horrifying news that I am endlessly going to stress over regardless of whether its productive or not, and I don’t need to add it on the plate of my psyche that’s already balancing my emotions with the wild, wild world events. I’ve found a few other things that work for me; weightlifting makes me think clearer immediately, while running doesn’t; but over time the benefits of running help me think clearer on average. Tea in the morning is better for me than coffee, even if I crave coffee. Having a calm and sweet morning with a nice breakfast and writing down one thing I love or am grateful for does wonders for starting my day right. I might overthink, but seeingly little things for self care brings the average stress down in ways that feel soothing.
More than that, though, is the fact that when you come to understand so intimately and personally the things that bring you relief as an overthinker, you cultivate your authenticity. There are things that one does for oneself, and no other reason. In a world where we are posing socially most of the time - whether we are aware of it or not - the actions of the authentic self let you abandon the social self, however briefly, and in turn put down most of your cognitive load. They are the rituals that are private to you, and only to be known by you and your connection to the thing. Only your connection, your perception, your interpretation of the thing is important. For me, this is journalling and polaroids. When I am journalling, and sliding in little photos of my friends and I, little sticky notes; it is my pure manifestation of love for my life, and the nice thing I am doing for myself. I would never want someone to read my journal, not because it is private per se, but because I would never want it to be aestheticized; I would never want someone to look at my journal and think it was just a nice thing that looked pretty and something they should take up so that they can show all their friends. Its basically my worst nightmare.